CATastrophe

in Giggles on December 18, 2020

I dedicate this post to my B!tchachos: Jenny, Emily & LaDonna—May we ALWAYS Ride or Die

This past weekend, my girls and I got together for our Christmas breakfast. Since my house was completely decorated for Christmas (as I think I am Mrs. Claus) I was happy to host.

I love my girls…the four of us have been friends for a long time.  Some of us have been linked together in this weird group of misfits for almost two decades.  We “get” each other…our quirks, our likes, our dislikes, our fears, our failures, and everything in between.  We understand each other.  There is no judgment in this group.  There is honesty—even when it hurts—openness, and above everything else, there is love.

Now, having said all of that, I would like to direct your attention to the Psychotic Weirdsmobil driving this Crazy train, and absolute psychological warfare she has put me through over the last few days.

In order to be an effective Psychotic Warlord, one must be patient.  Jenny is extremely patient.  I fear that her attack on me has been in the works for the past three years.  Let me explain:

Three years ago, we were all over at Jenny’s house for a Christmas gathering.  I happened to notice a very festive sign that read JOY.  I thought to myself, and mentioned to our other friends, LaDonna and Emily, “Hey, I’d like to have a sign like that”, to which they promptly replied, “Take it, we’ll distract Jenny.”

Now, before y’all get super uptight over my theft of Christmas decorations; we were pranking our sweet friend.  We had every intention of returning the sign…after we had a little bit of fun.  We had no idea the beast we had unleashed.

After the three of us took turns taking pictures with Jenny’s sign, and posting them on social media, we returned the sign.

Jenny was less-than thrilled.

She exacted her revenge on Emily and LaDonna in a fairly short amount of time, after all, they were only participants…not the masterminds.

With me…she waited…and waited…and waited…

Until I felt safe…

Until she thought I’d forgotten all about the JOYful sign…

Until this weekend.

Put a pin in that story.

Let us take a quick detour:

Jenny has this cat named Elsa.  She is just like her namesake—the Ice Queen.  For the record, I hate cats.  Always have, probably always will.  They have too many demonic qualities for me to be able to trust them.  Elsa is no exception.  This cat stalks me…hunts me…jumps out from under furniture and off of shelves to get to me…she jumps out of trees and streaks out from under bushes to get to me…which…for a THREE-LEGGED-CAT is impressive.  She can smell me when I get out of my car.  It’s eerie and unnerving.

I don’t like cats.

Detour over.

Remember all that you have read thus far.

I started this post with this year’s Christmas breakfast…at MY HOUSE.  The four of us: Jenny, LaDonna, Emily, and me (obviously) were having a great time.  Around the time everyone was leaving, I walked toward my back door to let out my dogs and found a randomly stashed book about CATS.  Jenny busted out laughing.

 

I was not impressed.

I tossed the book at her, we finished up our breakfast and everyone left.

The next NIGHT, I found ANOTHER cat book stashed under the Christmas tree.  I began to get concerned.  I also began to look around my house.

There was ANOTHER one in the dogs’ toy box.

One more in the Powder Room.

The first one that I’d tossed at her on Saturday…she RE-HID…IN MY COUCH.

All of these took days for me to find…all the while…I’m texting her…trying to get her to tell me HOW MANY ARE LEFT and WHERE I CAN LOOK.

Naturally she gave me false trails…and false numbers.

I stripped the sheets off my bed looking for stray cats.

I pulled all the presents out from under my damn tree.

I took everything out of every drawer in my kitchen AND the half-bath downstairs looking for strays.

I took all the cushions off my couch.

I rearranged everything in my pantry.

I looked under the couch…then went and got the vacuum.

She got in my head…so far in my head that all I could see were cats…fuzzy cats…naked cats…fat cats…skinny cats…baby cats…old cats…

Well played, my friend.  Well played.

I did find ALL of the little gems she left for me…at least, I think I did.  Only time will tell.

Here’s hoping your friends aren’t quite the CATastrophe that mine are!!

 

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