My Stealth Ninja Warrior
in Giggles on February 7, 2020
So, it turns out that I married a stealth ninja warrior. Who knew?!
I must admit, I first became suspicious of my husband’s alter ego soon after our first child was born…nearly twenty years ago. As a brand new mom, I worried A LOT about all of the weird baby noises that newborns make—the gurgles, grunts, and heavy sighs—followed closely by the squeaks, moans and extremely scary quiet breathing. Odd as it seems, the most reassuring sound a newborn can make in the middle of the night is his very loud, very annoyed cry. This sound, above all else, lets a new mom know her baby is alive and well, and wanting attention.
Like most new parents, we slept our precious new angel in our bedroom. It was easier for me to have Ethan in our downstairs Master, than upstairs and across the house. Why am I telling you all of these things? I’m glad you asked.
Newborn babies are noisy. They are noisy when they sleep. They are noisy when they are awake…and they are most certainly noisy when they are HUNGRY and getting their DIAPER CHANGED.
Every night I would “nap” while the baby slept. At the slightest hint of a gurgle, I would race out of bed, fly to the side of the bassinet, and check to see if he was awake or simply shifting in his sleep. Depending on Ethan’s needs, I would creep back to my bed or fulfill his needs. This went on for weeks. Every morning my husband would wake from consecutive hours of restful slumber, yawn, stretch, gaze proudly at his son hungrily nursing from his zombie-like wife, and ask the same stupid question:
“How’d the baby do last night?”
Fast forward to two more kids and several years later…my sleep schedule has improved…slightly. I am no longer jumping to the sound of newborns. Nope. Now, my nocturnal fright-fests are much more terrifying. As I lay peacefully beside my sleeping husband, the hair on the back of my neck begins to stand on edge, my skin begins to shiver, my pulse quickens, even though I should be resting comfortably…I am suddenly—painfully aware that I am no longer alone in my room. I am being watched. Closely watched. My eyes fly open.
Standing millimeters from my face is a child.
“Mommy, are you awake?”
Holy balls of fire and all things Paw Patrol, Batman!! WTH!!
Someone had a bad dream, and apparently in my spare time, I fight bad guys. Let’s analyze this for a sec. If you hear something that goes BUMP in the night, wouldn’t you want someone who is actually big and strong to take care of it? AKA: Daddy. Apparently, the answer is no.
Now, y’all are probably wondering why I’m telling you all of this, considering my kids are all grown, and on their way to moving out. We still have dogs. Dogs are really just four-legged, furry kids, with tails.
Yesterday I took our little one to the groomer to get shaved. It’s a long story, and this post is already long enough. Well, the weather in Houston for the last couple of days has been seasonably cool, cold, actually. Well, last night the temperature in the house must’ve dipped below her comfort level, because around midnight a four-legged, not so furry, visitor came to see me.
Me.
Not my husband.
Me.
I sleep on the FAR side of the bed. His side is closest to the door. Faith came to see me. The kids always came to see me. The babies only woke up me. There can only be ONE explanation for this:
My husband really IS a Stealth Ninja Warrior.
