Slippery When Wet
in Giggles on May 28, 2015
I know it is Thursday, and there should really be something inspirational and deep going on right here, right now…and I might just surprise y’all and post TWO today…but every once in a while something comes along that bears sharing. Originally, I was going to keep this to myself; especially since I am the central figure of the text. But then I started thinking about the folks out there who might be having a bad day, or a bad week, or even a bad month, and really need to laugh–at someone else’s expense.
Now how could I deprive people of laughter?
If you’ll remember, I was also going to keep all of the escapades associated with my Manic Monday post to myself as well…and that post was one one of my biggest “hitters.” Turns out, all of my readers are sick, sick individuals, and really enjoy laughing at other people’s mishaps! Honestly, I have to include myself into that category: If I had been a bystander and not a participant in the following drama, I promise you, I would be laughing.
So, this all started on Sunday afternoon. Technically, you could say this started fourteen years ago when we first put in the swimming pool. The Number One Rule (aside from no swimming without adult supervision) is NO RUNNING ON WET SURFACES. Everyone knows this. It’s like a Geico Commercial. Water makes smooth surfaces deadly. Now, my husband and I have said this so many times to the kids over the years that I am most certain they can no longer hear us. These words seem to be coherent as they leave my mouth, but somewhere been my mouth and my children’s ears, they end up like this: “νο ρθννινγ ιν τηε ον ςετ σθρφαψεσ!” To all of my Greek speaking/reading friends, I realize that is NOT a real Greek sentence. There is no need to email me a translation. I inserted that for dramatic effect. My point is that my kids think I am speaking a very foreign language.
Here’s the kicker: Apparently I can no longer understand my own rules either. However, in my defense I had no idea my kitchen floor was wet. Sunday afternoon in Houston was sunny—go figure. We all decided to take a break from building the next Ark, and sit in the backyard and play in the pool. Everything was going great until someone rang the doorbell. I jumped up from the chair on the patio, and took off running through the backdoor and into the kitchen—as soon as my left foot touched the kitchen tile, the rest of me did, too.
I have never been acquainted with gravity so fast in my entire life.
But, hoping no one saw my fantastic impersonation of a less-than-professional-slap-stick-comic, I jumped up and answered the door. All the while thinking that I had just successfully broken all of the toes on my left foot, along with my ankle and I was quite certain that I had stripped the muscle from shin bone. I limped back to my position in the backyard. I told Jeff what happened and he carried (yes, carried) me to our room, so that I could ice my foot and watch a movie.
Now, I told you that, to tell you this:
It has been a while since Captain Destructo has made headlines. She has been fairly mellow. She’s really just been chilling and hanging out. But the rain down here…oh my goodness…this RAIN!!! We are ALL going stir-crazy. Charley is no exception. So, Monday I stayed off my banged up foot, and it felt better. Monday evening was a different story. Our kids are already on Summer Vacation. Since last Friday, I have had at least three extra kids in my house non-stop. I don’t mind extra kids. They keep my kids busy, entertained and OFF the computers! But, in the busyness of lots of kids things get forgotten and over-looked—like the closing of backyard gates.
Charley will not go out the side gate that leads to the front of the house. I do not know why. Perhaps she is afraid of the cars out front. Maybe she is already familiar with those smells. Whatever the reason, if that gate is open, Charley could not care less. Our house backs up to an easement which also houses a gate. If this gate is open, the temptation is similar to that of Alice down the Rabbit Hole! I was outside with Captain Destructo on Monday evening just making sure she did not eat anything. We had all been outside enjoying a slight pocket of sunshine in between massive thunderstorms. I assure you, the following events are one hundred percent true. I could not make this up if I tried. I have several neurotic tendencies; one of those is walking through grass barefooted. I don’t like it. I never have. So, when I take Charley outside for her “business” meeting, I typically wear rubber boots. Go ahead, judge me.
Well, because of my banged up foot, I did not have on my boots. I did, however, have on a mismatched yellow and black bikini. I looked like a bumble bee.
Charley was minding her own business, listening to me while I stood safely on the edge of the patio–when all of a sudden, in a flash of white fur, she was gone. That dog took off like something had literally lit a fire on the end of her tail! Through the landscaping, I could see that the back gate to the easement was just barely ajar.
I lost my mind.
I started screaming for the kids. I needed my boots, which are red, black and white flowered. I was screaming for Ethan, my oldest, I figured he was the fastest. I was wrong. My daughter just stood on the patio staring gaping at me, as I was jumping around trying to get my boots on, all the while SCREAMING for Charley to COME HERE!!!
So, here’s the final picture: I manage to squeeze myself through the gate opening. Please bear in mind that I’m in a bathing suit that I would never wear in public, knee-high multi-colored rubber boots, and I am screaming for my dog who is lapping me. Yes, lapping me. Her tail is wagging, she is jumping in circles just out my reach, and every time she lands, she drops into SIX INCHES of mud. Thus spraying us both with ooey-gooey, nasty mud. We were just outside my gate…until…I tried to reach for her. Then she was GONE.
She took off down the hill of the easement, through calf-deep grass, and then would stop and look back at me wondering why I was so far behind her. Meanwhile, I am running…well, sort of. It was more of a run…skip…hop…limp…YELL…cuss…repeat type of gait. Can I just tell you, she is FAST. And, she thinks this is a game. I could not have appeared to be more deranged if I actually had escaped from somewhere.
Run…skip…hop…limp…CHARLEY STOP…cuss…repeat
Then I look up, we are two cul-de-sacs down from my own, and notice some guy on a bicycle. Terrific. Even though I looked like a hot mess, he was the one who distracted Destructo enough for me to catch up to her and grab a hold of her. You may be wondering, where are the children? All of my children, plus those extras? Oh, they are watching all of this, from the gate. As Charley and I make our way back hop…limp…fuss…mutter…repeat, we finally get back into our yard. I am thoroughly out of breath. My foot is throbbing. I am sweating. I am irritated. We are both covered in mud. I usher all of my (fairly) useless onlookers inside, and I get in the pool to chill out and rinse off. Captain Destructo wades in and thinks this is just a continuation of our game of chase. I am so not amused.
Yesterday I went to the doc to see about my foot. Turns out, I am way tougher than my kids. I did not break anything, but I pulled all the ligaments away from the bones in the top of my foot. So I am in an awesome shoe for the next 3-4 weeks.
Here’s hoping your day is a chase free!
-Dallas
One thought on “Slippery When Wet”
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Lynn Doyer says:
Oh my, sooooo hilarious! I share your very reasonable phobia about walking barefoot in grass, too many unseen crawly stingy things just waiting for a human to attack. I can just picture the rest, and no one had their cell phone video running? Instant YouTube star! So sorry for your injury though, not a good way to start the summer.