The Gas Mask

in Giggles on June 20, 2016

IMG_7275Does anyone know where I can get a high quality, military grade GAS MASK?  I’m totally serious…as in, not-even-kidding.  I have two teenage boys.  No one warned me that one day they would wake up and no longer smell like sweet angels from the meadows of Heaven.  Where was THAT memo??  Not one of my “friends” who have traveled this path ahead of me, thought to mention to me that one day out of the clear blue sky, my precious angel baby boys would suddenly and unexpectedly turn my entire house into the inner-bowels of a sweaty-stinky and fowl locker room…without ever having enjoyed one-single-minute-of-sporting-activity.

Gag.

Now, one would think the veracious odor wafting its way throughout my entire house would come from my two dogs…nope…not-even-close.  It’s the miniature man-boys that have taken up residency upstairs which are destroying the breathable air in my home.

I do not typically venture upstairs very often.  I do not need to.  My room is downstairs, and therefore I leave the children to ransack the upstairs at will.  However, today I was feeling particularly domestic.  Trust me when I tell you, nothing good can come from feelings of domesticity…it always leads to ruin.

It all started when I shuffled all three of my offspring out the door this morning for Vacation Bible School.  The house was quiet…too quiet.  I was supposed to be writing.  I have a list a mile long of projects that need my immediate attention.  But…I also have no presentable clean clothes, and therefore my laundry beckoned more persistently than did my work.  Once I started my load of clothes, I made my bed (I never make my bed, why bother? I’m just getting back into it later), then I noticed my nightstand had enough dust on it to write out my grocery list, so I thought I should dust.  Why stop at just MY room?  For that matter, why should I have all the fun??  I made out a list of “projects” that need to be tended to before the week’s end that  the children and I should be able to accomplish before the weekend is upon us.

The cherry on top of my To-Do List is the bathroom run-down.  I am rather fanatical about my bathrooms.  So much so, that I printed out a FRONT and BACK how-to list for the children as to how I want my bathrooms cleaned.  They’re going to be SO excited…

My need for a gas mask came as I walked upstairs to tape my newly LAMINATED How-To message to the boys’ bathroom mirrors.  The smell of both of their rooms almost knocked me to my knees.  I choked.  My eyes began to water.  My stomach churned.  I began to gingerly poke through their rooms looking (almost hoping) for buried (contraband) food plates.  There were none.

The smell was simply boy.  Teenage boy smell.  If you are reading this and you have little boys at home, cherish the way they smell.  Breathe them in like oxygen because one day, without warning they will smell like ogres dipped in onions, rolled in day old shrimp tails that may have been left in the sun…and that will be on a good day.  I love my boys…my smelly, stinky, wretched boys.

But, I’d give my right arm for a gas mask.

Here’s hoping your day smells like a Rose!

-Dallas

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0 thoughts on “The Gas Mask”

  • Jean says:

    My 8 year old grandsons smell bad sometimes, too. At what age is it safe for children to start wearing deodorant?

    • dladmin says:

      Hi Jean,
      I would read labels and then lather your grandsons in deodorant…NOT antiperspirant. We don’t want to keep them from sweating–just stinking! In fact, WE could take a page out of that book as well, deodorant would work just fine for us on a daily basis..unless we are wearing silk! If we are wearing silk, then sweat is our enemy, and must be stopped at ALL costs! LOL But seriously, hormones hit our babies at different ages, which are the main culprit behind the stank on them. However, if you are super concerned, always double check with your pediatrician. Thanks for the great question!

  • Jan Claus says:

    Dear sweet Dallas,
    Your friends with older boys could have told you…but you would have been like me…in denial! “How could it be possible that my boys, the loves of my life- ever smell…well, like that?” Keep that vision (and smell)- miraculously one day you will miss it…Trust me…I’m “down 2” of them and already dreading the day that number 3 isn’t in my home! You know this, I’m sure…but let’s just say that trip up the stairs is not for the faint of heart!…hahaha!

  • Christina Putman says:

    In our house, it’s not the boy who is stinky . . . In fact, the boy is pristine. She’s going to kill me if she sees this.

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