Triangles and More

in Must Be Nice on September 2, 2016

50404463 - parents quarreling at home, child is suffering.

There is a new song circulating on country radio by artist, RaeLynn.  It’s called “Love Triangle.”  The first time I heard it, I found myself a complete and utter mess.  I’m sure many of you are thinking, “Oh sure, another country song about love gone wrong…who wouldn’t cry over that?”

While a love gone wrong IS the main theme of the song, the couple in question is not the song’s primary focus.  The spotlight shifts to the broken couple’s daughter, and THAT is where my heart melted.

My mother will read this post, and it will most likely be uncomfortable for her, for that I apologize.  Others will read this and think it does not apply to them OR some in my direct circle will think I am speaking straight to them.  Hint: I am speaking directly to you.

I am a product of divorce.  In fact, both I and my husband are products of divorce.  Between the both of us, we have had NINE parental influences through the years.  That total includes each time each a parent remarried and divorced.  That did not leave us in a love triangle, it left us in a tangled, shapeless mess.  I cannot speak on behalf of my husband’s thoughts and feelings on this topic; I can only speak to mine.  Trust me, mine are enough.

Disclaimer: I am not an idiot.  I am fully aware that there are exceptions to every rule.  However, I firmly believe that divorce is too often the first option chosen when couples get frustrated with each other.  In cases of abuse, both physical and mental, leave.  Don’t look back.  Just leave.  I’m not a huge fan of cheating spouses either.  I don’t believe cheaters can be rehabilitated…but, then again, I have trust issues.

I have been trying to write this post for a week.  I know that for some reading it, you will click out of this page now.  For others, you will continue reading just to see where the Crazy Train stops.  Yet, for still others, your curiosity has you intrigued.  I could write an entire post about my Top Ten Ways to Stay Married…but I’m not…at least not today.  No, today is all about my extreme disappointment in the behavior of the already divorced.

You can write in your comments and tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about…that your divorce was warranted…you were married to the worst person in the whole-wide-world.  I don’t care…at least not today.  Today, I want you all to take a good, long, hard look at the way you are behaving RIGHT NOW.  Let me ask you something, do you have kids?

If you managed to escape your marriage without procreating, and bashing your ex is simply your new recreational hobby…go for it.  Chances are, your friends are tired of hearing about it, but keep up the bitterness.  I hear revenge, grudge-holding, and unrequited anger will add years to your life.  Enjoy talking to your cat about how horrible your Ex is.

However, IF, throughout the course of your nuptials, children were added to your household, pay attention.  This bit’s for you.  Take a look at your own childhood.  Did you come from a divorced home?  If so, how was that for you?  Unicorns blowing rainbows from their horns?  Probably not.  I know mine was not.  My mother never did, and more than THIRTY-FIVE years later, still does not have a decent thing to say about my father.

As a child, my parents could not even be in the same room together.  Do you have any idea how agonizing that was growing up?  As an adult, I have realized that every horrible thing my mother told me about Paul turned out to be true; but as a child, those words were absolutely soul-crushing.  I wanted him to be the daddy I saw on TV, and in the movies, and at my friends’ houses.  I wanted him to want me.

He did not.

Instead, both of my parents used me against the other one.  I spent YEARS in and out of terribly destructive relationships trying to replace the love and affection I never received from him.  The mind games were the most cruel.  He would tell me lies of wanting me—only to find out it was the only way to make my mother suffer.  I see extreme similarities working in the circles of my divorced friends and family members of today.

Wake up, people!  Stop using your fu—ing kids as chess pieces.  They are not.

You hate your Ex.  So be it.  Do you hate your children?  Be the adult.  Learn how to do what’s best for the kids.  I hear all the time from the women’s groups that I go and speak to that the divorce was in the best interest of the kids.  Prove it.  How is this working out for the kids’ best interest if you and your Ex cannot even speak civilly to each other?

I fully understand custody arrangements.  Your weekend—his weekend—your day—his day.  Cool.  What about extenuating circumstances?  There are exceptions to every rule.  Just to get back at your Ex, you would keep your children from attending family birthday parties because they happen to fall on weekends or days that were not designated to your Ex?  That is extremely immature…remind me, who is the adult?

How are your children going to learn kindness and compassion if neither of their parents are ACTIVELY modeling those attributes for them?  The simple answer is that they will not.  They will learn how to manipulate, how to lie, and how to deceive in order to hide feelings, emotions and activities from anyone they deem a threat.  Those are lessons adults should not learn, but they most assuredly are lessons any child should never have access to.

Your behavior speaks volumes about the person you truly are; more so than the words that fall from your mouth.  Your children are watching every move you make.  What are they going to take away from their childhood?  Divorce is hard enough on families without adding Mommas and Daddies that behave on levels which rival any pre-school class.  You do not have to be best friends with your Ex, but if you truly believe that your divorce was in the best interest of your child or children, put your money where your mouth is, stop acting like jackasses, and grow up.

The damage done from parents who behave badly AFTER the divorce follows their children into the next generation.

Here’s hoping you make good choices today.

-Dallas

Don’t forget to check out my new Facebook page, and to book me for speaking to your Mom’s group or Women’s group, contact my publicist.

0 thoughts on “Triangles and More”

  • MaryAnn Day says:

    My daughter brought up another heavy subject the other night at bedtime, of course, at bedtime cause that is when the good stuff gets shared and you certainly can’t turn it off for later. she worries about a lot of things and that night it was divorce. She wondered if we got a divorce (purely hypothetical of course cause I tell her that won’t happen) and remarry, will she still be my daughter. She basically told me she figured if people got a divorce, then they certainly didn’t love their children, because how could anyone make their kids choose one parent over the other. Anyway, just from a child’s perspective who really doesn’t know anything about divorce (fortunately), she saw things pretty black and white about what divorce would mean to her. I did try to explain some of the why’s behind divorce and I know plenty of people who have handled it with grace and love toward their children while grieving the loss for themselves. Thanks for sharing so openly your story, Dallas. No matter what relation we are when we talk to children about their biological parents, we should be respectful about them because, they are a part of the child.

    • dladmin says:

      Respect is a funny thing…everyone wants it…not everyone gets it. I, too, know people who have handled their divorce with grace; however those numbers are few and far between. The majority of the people I have been in contact with, seem to be more concerned with getting back at their exes than actually protecting their children. This is a sad state of affairs. We must reassure our children…often times at our own personal expense. I’m with you, MaryAnn, Jeff and I have at times, had to reassure our children that just because divorce happens within their classrooms or even within their extended family, does not mean it will happen in this house.

      Thanks for reading!
      Dallas

  • Sandy Lawrence says:

    WOW! You really laid the message out there and I know how difficult it had to be. I thought of a great many couples – or former couples – who need to read this. Memories of my own divorce after being married 25 years, returned and they were not all positive. My children were almost grown, but I know the separation was difficult and they have paid a price. It was not always amicable when we were together. Once I realized that the bitterness (My pastor husband dumped me for another woman) was hurting me and not him, I took a long look and began the forgiveness process. Thankfully, it is hard to remember now how hurt I was. I am sure some of the feelings of insecurity and a lack of trust were a direct result, and I am very grateful that God showed me that my healing required forgiveness. Thank you Dallas Louis! You are such a role model.

    • dladmin says:

      Thank you, Sandy! I am sorry for your loss. Divorce is never easy…I am not saying it is…my message is that all parties need to be cautious about how their words sound to little ears. Divorce hurts everyone.

      Thanks for reading!

  • Kristen Musgrove says:

    Great article,Dallas! It is hard at times, but truly is in the best interest of the kids to not trash the ex!

    • dladmin says:

      I can only imagine how easy it is…and NICE it must feel to bash the ex…but seriously, that isn’t what kids needs to hear about their parent. Thanks for reading, Kristen! And thank you for the encouragement.

      Blessings and hugs,
      Dallas

  • Dan Mares says:

    You know it really breaks my heart to hear that people treat their kids like that. I hear about it a lot from people in my circle. But there’s one thing that has always been a top priority for me & my ex…. Never bash the other, and NEVER deny the other from a visitation or spending time regardless of what is in the “decree”. You are absolutely right there are at times extenuating circumstances, and parents need to be flexible. You are also correct, that those parents also need to act their age not their shoe size!!!! Thank You for sharing your experience so that maybe it might help others. – Dan ….. Out!!

  • Gail Hering (Aunt) says:

    Fast Forward to the fact that I married Dallas’s “dad’s” brother Bruce, who raised his step-son from 4 years old, who chose to be sober when that step-son had a baby at 18 yrs old and wanted nothing to do with the baby, so Bruce became the “grandfather Dad” and every weekend had his grandson like clockwork. Took him fishing, put braces on his teeth, all the things a “dad” should do. Bruce never let the word “step” get in his way of loving. So now I find out that Paul, Bruces brother, Dallas’ father, whom is bred from the same parents, brought up in the same house, but are entirely different. My heart hurts for you Dallas. Shame on Paul for the selfish acts that he will live with someday, if he ever does!
    It is when I read something like this that I thank God that I was able to raise my boys with my ex, that we were able to sit at games and cheer both of “our” son’s progress, that he was welcomed into our home at all holidays when I married Bruce, and that I was able to hold his hand at the hospice house with our sons when he took his last breath. Parents need to be the grown ups, let the children laugh, love and learn.
    Your a wonderful person Dallas, as I’m sure a great sister, etc…. Paul will be the missing out as he will never know how wonderful you are as a daughter, or the mother of his grandchildren. He is the one missing Dallas. Raise your head, move forward. You deserve to. xxxxx

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